


Delicate

by situationnormal



Series: Delicate [2]
Category: K-pop, Shinhwa
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 16:23:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2276481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/situationnormal/pseuds/situationnormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The beginning stages of Eric and Hyesung's relationship are shaky, as Hyesung tries to navigate his own feelings and insecurities. (Pairs with another of my fics, "Anxiety", but can stand alone.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Delicate

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part of another of my Ricsyung fics, "Anxiety." I'm not posting it as a second chapter because I think it can stand alone, although it might be slightly more satisfying if you read the other part first. This one's titled after the first song that came on shuffle on my iTunes when I started writing, which I tried to tie in a bit. There are quite a few food and alcohol references. Aaaand there's some implied Woodong in here (+ some Ricwan, Ricmin, Jinsyung, and maybe even some Ricdy and Jindy if you squint hard enough). (OK, I think that's enough notes.)

Hyesung had known he was falling in love with Eric for a long time. Looking at him made him feel simultaneously nervous and excited. He became painfully aware of every move, every word, and every laugh. Standing next to him was physically painful—the shock when they accidentally brushed arms, or when Eric would touch him intentionally, was unbearable—and trying to hide the elation, and how childishly unsure of himself he became around him, took so much energy that he felt exhausted at the end of every day. Exhausted, but vaguely satisfied. He thought, for a while, that if he could just pretend it wasn’t happening, then it wouldn’t. Then he thought, if he couldn’t have Eric—and he never thought he could—being around him, watching him but never letting him know, would be enough. 

Keeping such a huge secret had become second nature to Hyesung, at some point. He lived with it, and he hardly thought about it past the electric shock when they touched, or the happiness he felt when Eric laughed or smiled at him. Trying not to give himself away had become a game that Eric had willingly played into, allowing Hyesung the small pleasures of touching him and being close to him, but only until Hyesung pushed him away again. Other than the nervousness when the two were alone, and there was no one to put on a show of pushing and pulling for, things had been almost good. Sure, it had been lonely—knowing nothing would ever come of it—but it was bearable.

So it had come as a shock when Eric had suddenly started showing interest in him—noticing him the way he had always noticed Eric. And it had come as an even bigger surprise when he had gone to Eric’s apartment one night, expecting Eric to say what he had always expected and dreaded from the other man—that he knew, and that it couldn’t continue—only to have Eric kiss him, instead. 

The kiss had been unbelievable for one hundred different reasons, but the thing that had surprised Hyesung most of all was how gentle he had been with him. The Eric in his wilder fantasies was urgent and passionate, and in the more realistic imaginings he was clumsy and awkward, so a soft, gentle, first kiss had been enough to do all of those cheesy, ridiculous romance movie things. His palms had been sweaty, his throat had been dry, his heart had stopped, then started pounding. 

A few weeks, and several kisses, later, things had progressed so far past his expectations, or even his most desperate hopes, that Hyesung was glad they weren’t promoting anymore, and he could take a break from seeing Eric every day in front of so many people. Because, honestly, he didn’t think he could hide it when he was so deliriously happy. The thing that made him happiest was how genuinely happy Eric seemed. No matter how much he watched him, and waited for him to betray some sense of disgust or even unease, he hadn’t—at least not yet. 

But still, despite the happiness, Hyesung couldn’t help but wonder when it would end. 

 

* * *

  

“Do you want to get something to eat?” Eric asked, sneaking a hand onto Hyesung’s knee, and squeezing experimentally. 

“Stop it, loach,” Hyesung said, sliding away from the other man and shoving a couch pillow into the space between them. Eric smiled, picking the pillow up immediately and throwing it to the side. He slid closer to Hyesung, so there was no space left between them, and put his hand back on his knee. Hyesung frowned, but didn’t move away.

“I don’t think the two of us have ever gone out to eat together, without the other members. Not in years, anyway. We could go out and get sashimi or something,” Eric said, grinning smugly as he began to move his hand further up to rest on Hyesung’s thigh.

“Ya,” Hyesung said, the exclamation getting caught in his throat and coming out much weaker than intended. “What are you trying to do?” He swatted Eric’s hand away and tried to glare at him, but found that he was unable to look Eric in the eye without blushing. 

“I’m just touching you,” Eric said, still smiling. “So, sashimi? There’s a place close by that’s pretty good.” 

Hyesung sat there, hands folded in his lap, for a moment, trying to think. Going out to eat together wasn’t that big of a deal. He had eaten with every single member at least once, and with Dongwan and Junjin on many different occasions, so it wasn’t very risky. But, somehow, going out with Eric for sashimi seemed like a huge step—like a  _date_ , and he wasn’t sure if he could handle that thought right now, when he was so unsure of things. And the thought of Eric’s hand on his thigh was clouding his thoughts too much to even sort out why he was so unsure.

“Why don’t we order some? Then we won’t have to go out,” he said, after mulling it over for a while as Eric had begun to pick apart a decorative flower from a bowl in the center of the coffee table. 

“I like the way you’re thinking,” Eric said—the indecipherable look on his face quickly replaced with a smile as he dropped both hands, this time, on Hyesung’s thigh. 

“That’s not what I meant!”

 

* * *

 

“Eric?”

“Hm?” Eric rolled over to face him, but the darkness made it difficult to see his expression.

“Just wondering if you were awake,” Hyesung said, wanting to close his eyes—he could barely see Eric, anyway—but keeping them open, instead, and waiting for them to adjust enough to make out the other man’s features. Eric lifted his hand, brushing some hair out of Hyesung’s eyes. 

“Is everything OK?” he asked after a while, stroking Hyesung’s forehead again before moving his hand down to stroke his jaw and nose, as well.

“Yeah,” Hyesung said, trying to smile but knowing it didn’t count for much in the dark bedroom. He rolled over, leaving Eric’s hand hovering over empty space.

 

* * *

  
         
“Let yourself in,” Eric’s text had read. Normal enough. Hyesung knew the code—had known it for a long time. Everyone knew Eric’s door code, so it wasn’t like it was some special secret he had uncovered, but he had never really had an occasion to use it. He had never been to Eric’s house when no one was there to answer the door before. Walking in and being greeted to silence was unusual, too. There were always sounds filling Eric’s apartment—he didn’t know how to be quiet, unless he was alone with Hyesung. Apparently, Hyesung had gathered, Eric thought his nervous habit of chattering to fill an awkward silence was adorable, which was why he never tried to stop him.

“Eric?” He called, knowing well enough that Eric wouldn’t have had time to make it home yet. There was mail on the table in the hallway, though, so someone had been there recently—probably his manager. Hyesung hadn’t seen Eric in a week. It was the first time they had been apart for so long since that first kiss, and the week had gone by so slowly he had been afraid he wouldn’t be able to take it—that he would have to fly to Eric’s mom’s house and bring him back. Hyesung was used to loneliness, but having Eric next to him, even for a short time, had made it so much more uncomfortable.

It was almost embarrassing, how much he wanted to hear Eric’s voice, much less touch him. The whole week, he had had to survive on a few short text messages. Not that Hyesung was going to win the boyfriend of the year award or anything—his own texts had been even fewer and further between than Eric’s—what with the solo album keeping him busy, and the whole not wanting to get on a plane and drag Eric’s ass back by force thing. Eric’s empty apartment amplified the anticipation until Hyesung finally went into the kitchen, deciding to make something quickly so they wouldn’t have to order out. Eric would definitely be hungry, and probably jetlagged.

The rice cooker beeped just as the front door opened. Excellent timing. Eric must have seen the shoes in the walkway, because he went to the kitchen immediately, still carrying a duffel bag over his right shoulder. It had been at least two days since he had last shaved, and he looked much more tired than someone who was supposed to be coming home from vacation had any right to, but Hyesung couldn’t help but be overwhelmed, all over again, at how handsome he was.

“You’re home,” he said, putting a plate full of eggs on Eric’s small kitchen table.

“I’m home,” Eric said, amicably enough, dropping the duffel bag. 

“Are you hungry? I thought you wouldn’t want to leave the house to get anything, so I just used what you had in the fridge. You should go grocery shopping once in a while, by the way,” Hyesung said, moving across the small kitchen to deal with the rice cooker.

Eric didn’t say anything, electing instead to follow Hyesung across the kitchen and wrap his arms around his waist from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Eric,” Hyesung said, trying to shake his arm free to take some of the rice out. “The eggs are going to get cold.” It took a few seconds, but Eric’s arms loosened, and Hyesung could see him out of the corner of his eye, walking to the fridge.

 

* * *

  
  
“Have you eaten?” It was the fourth text Hyesung had sent in two days, and Eric still hadn’t responded. A record. A personal worst. He was so used to clingy Eric that distant Eric was hard to come to terms with. It was his own fault—he hadn’t handled things well—hadn’t been able to return all of Eric’s affections—but somehow, not having Eric text him throughout the day seemed like a particularly cruel punishment. He missed him. He missed him so badly he couldn’t concentrate on anything, not work or even the damn video game Eric had made him start playing. He had only seen him the one time since before Eric’s trip, and that certainly hadn’t gone very well. 

He had been longing for Eric for an entire week, like a lovesick teenager, and when he’d finally seen him, he had only been able to feed him eggs and act like a mom whose son has just returned from school. The conversation had stalled after “how was your trip?” and “how was your family?” and “are you tired?” was out of the way, and Hyesung had gone home without a single kiss or caress. And he hadn’t known how to fix it. It would be so much easier if Eric would put an end to the awkwardness by refusing to acknowledge its existence, as per usual, but he hadn’t even been responding to texts.

Hyesung was almost worried enough—that he had fucked up their already delicate relationship, or that something had happened to Eric (or his thumbs), rendering him unable to answer his text messages—to call, when his own phone began to ring. 

“Hyung,” Junjin began before Hyesung could even answer properly.

“Choongjae,” Hyesung responded, fondly. He was glad it was Jinnie—he could be less guarded, talking to him. And maybe he could distract him from feeling so horrible. At least for a couple of minutes.

“Are you going to Eric-hyung’s tonight?” 

“What? No. Why would I be going there?” So much for being less guarded.

“He invited us over there for drinks tonight. Since we haven’t seen each other in a while,” Junjin said, sounding confused. “Wasn’t it tonight?”

“I don’t know. Guess I wasn’t invited,” Hyesung said, trying not to sound as hurt as he felt. 

“Huh. When he texted me, I thought he meant everyone was going. He probably just forgot to text you. Or he thought I would do it, anyway, so he didn’t bother. Anyway, you’re going, right?” Junjin sounded a mixture of apologetic and worried, like he wasn’t quite sure what to say in this situation. No matter how awkward their relationship had always been—or maybe because of how awkward it had always been, Eric usually reached out to Hyesung first when it came to get-togethers.

“Maybe…he doesn’t want me there, Choongjae. I should probably…well, I have…” Hyesung could feel his chest tightening. He was dangerously close to crying, and he wouldn’t do that to poor Junjin. 

“Don’t be like that, hyung. He wants you there.” 

“I don’t think I can go, anyway,” Hyesung said, sitting down at his table and resting his cheek against the glass top. “I have a lot of work to do.” 

“Listen, I’m already on my way. I actually called to see if you wanted to hang out after—or if I could crash at your place after, depending on how long we drink. I’ll come get you. I’m sure Eric didn’t mean to leave you out, so don’t be upset about it. OK?” And with that, Junjin ended the call. 

Hyesung sat there, with his head resting on the table, for a few minutes. He picked up his phone, turning it over in his hands, willing Eric to text him and explain himself. Or to say anything at all. Even one word would make him feel so much better. He scrolled through the inbox of their conversations—the texts Hyesung had sent over the past couple of days—the few texts they had sent each other the previous week—and the many, many texts from Eric before that, some of them very cheesy. But, as expected, there was nothing new from him. Hyesung sighed, putting the phone in his pocket. 

Now that he knew about Eric’s get-together, there wasn’t really a way to avoid it. Eric probably knew that he would hear about it from one of the other guys. He definitely couldn’t expect for everyone to show up but Hyesung, and for no one to ask where he was or try to call him. ‘Maybe,’ Hyesung thought, ‘my phone is broken.’ And, in any case, even if the phone wasn’t broken, Eric couldn’t complain if it was awkward when Hyesung showed up—it was his own damn fault for not calling or texting.

So, thirty minutes later, when Junjin arrived, Hyesung was ready to go. He had changed clothes and pulled a hat on, but hadn’t bothered with makeup. It was only going to be the members, and they wouldn’t care what he looked like—Eric didn’t deserve to care what he looked like, as far as Hyesung was concerned. Junjin, likewise, looked like he had just finished at the gym before showing up on Hyesung’s doorstep. He was wearing his usual tracksuit and beanie, and sporting a five o’clock shadow.

“Good, you’re ready. I thought I was going to have to drag you out of here,” Junjin said, smiling, when Hyesung walked out of the door instead of buzzing him in.

“No, you’re right, it was probably a mistake.”

 

* * *

 

  
Junjin and Hyesung weren’t the first to arrive at Eric’s. Minwoo met them at the door, holding a bottle of soju in either hand, and as they were taking off their shoes Andy called to them from the kitchen. Eric, on the other hand, was sitting on the couch, looking like he had already been drinking for a while. He had his phone in one hand, as if he had just finished talking to someone, or sending a message. He didn’t bother to get up, but instead greeted both of them, with a faint smile, before going back to his phone. 

Hyesung didn’t know what he had expected—he had known Eric wouldn’t jump up and greet him with a hug or a kiss—their relationship definitely wasn’t to that point, and they had even talked about keeping it from the other members as long as possible, in case it made anyone uncomfortable. But  _something_  would have been nice—an indication that Hyesung existed, outside of being a member of Shinhwa, at the very least. He felt tears filling his eyes and had to fake a coughing fit to make up for it—scaring poor Jinnie and Andy half to death. 

When all of that was taken care of, and Junjin had gone to the kitchen to help Andy, despite wanting to stay close to Hyesung in case he decided to choke to death or something in his absence, Hyesung was left in the living room with Minwoo and Eric, who had hardly looked up from his phone as Hyesung had coughed and choked a moment before. Minwoo patted him on the back, only peripherally concerned, and turned back to Eric, to continue whatever conversation they had been having before the other two men arrived. 

“Is Dongwan coming?” Minwoo asked, punching Eric lightly on the leg, so he would look up from his phone.

“Yeah, I think so. He’s been texting me. He’s been in Japan. Just got back today,” Eric responded, glancing up at Minwoo briefly before looking back down.

“Japan? He didn’t tell me he was going,” Minwoo complained.

“You know Wannie. He doesn’t tell anyone he’s doing anything,” Eric said, unconcerned.

“He told you,” Hyesung said. He hadn’t actually intended to interrupt their conversation, but it had come out so naturally he hadn’t been able to stop it. Talking when he was nervous had always been a bad habit of his.

“Not surprising. Eric and Dongwan have been really close lately,” Minwoo said, glancing at Hyesung and sounding very unimpressed. 

“Not really,” Eric said, still staring at his phone. “No more than usual.”

“Really? Because you invited us all here and you’re only texting Dongwan,” Minwoo said, grabbing Eric’s phone and holding it above his own head, trying to read what they had been talking about. Eric, who had a much longer reach, plucked it easily back before Minwoo was able to see anything at all.

“I’m just trying to find out when he’ll be here,” Eric said, closing the phone and shoving it into his pocket. He took a drink from the can of beer he had been holding, and wrapped his free arm around Minwoo. “Why, are you jealous?”

“Yes!” Minwoo said, sticking his tongue out and digging a finger in Eric’s ribs. Junjin and Andy chose that moment to walk into the living room, carrying a tray of snacks.

“Hyungs are killing each other again,” Andy said, sighing, as Eric yelped, grabbing Minwoo’s ear. 

“I thought we were going to drink, not wrestle,” Junjin responded, trying not to laugh as he settled down on the floor, next to Hyesung, who looked like he wasn’t having a very good time. Junjin wondered if he was still upset about not receiving a more formal invitation. “Are you OK?” he asked, turning to Hyesung and putting a hand out, grabbing Hyesung’s in his own.

“Hm? I’m fine. I have to go to the bathroom, though,” he said, squeezing Junjin’s hand before standing up and walking out of the room.  
  
Dongwan arrived after a few minutes. Hyesung could hear the members greet him from the bathroom, followed by Minwoo’s long chain of complaints about Dongwan’s recent behavior—going out of the country and not telling him, not answering his texts but talking to Eric 24/7, being a less-than-worthy best friend in general, and etc. All of it was making Hyesung a little sick. He had already been nervous and upset because of Eric, but trying to keep himself from saying something, and enduring Eric not saying _anything_ , was too much. Not to mention how ridiculously jealous he suddenly felt because of every interaction Eric had with another human being.  

After a while, he began to think that if he didn’t leave the bathroom, Junjin was going to come and drag him out, or Dongwan would try to diagnose him with some rare stomach condition, so he splashed his face with some water and tried to pull himself together as much as possible before going back to the “party”. His hands were shaking so badly he had to shove them in his pockets to make himself look somewhat normal, and when he sat down again next to Junjin, he was so off-balance he almost fell into the other man’s lap.

“Pilkyo!” Dongwan greeted from the couch, smiling. 

“How was your trip?” Hyesung asked, pleasantly surprised that his voice didn’t shake as badly as he had expected it to.

“Don’t ask about that, Minwoo loses his mind,” Dongwan responded, edging slightly away from Minwoo, who sat between him and Eric on the couch. Hyesung smiled faintly, and grabbed a can of beer from the table, taking the opportunity to withdraw from the conversation as Minwoo started on another round of complaints.

 

* * *

  
  
“Ready to go home?” Junjin asked, tapping Hyesung on the shoulder. Andy had already been excused after becoming extremely formal and polite at least an hour before. Dongwan, who had claimed to be too tired to drink after his trip, was half-carrying a plastered Minwoo out of the door. 

“Ya, are you going to leave me to clean this up alone?” Eric asked. He had hardly spoken all night, electing instead to stay glued to Minwoo’s side—forcibly separated from Dongwan—and then crashing on the floor, lying on Andy’s lap, until the younger man had left. He was still there, lying next to the coffee table, even though his human pillow had deserted him.

“I think Hyesung had too much to drink, so I should probably take him home. I’ll come back and help you in the morning, hyung. It’s OK until then, isn’t it?” Junjin asked, pulling gently on Hyesung’s arm. 

“I’ll stay and help,” Hyesung said, wrenching his arm too forcefully from Junjin’s grasp, and then smiling apologetically up at him.

“Hyung,” Junjin began.

“I’m not that drunk, Choongjae. You can go home if you want to. Or go to my place. I’ll be OK. It’s only a floor up,” Hyesung said. Noticing that Junjin was about to open his mouth to argue again, he smiled. “Jin-ah, I want to talk to Eric for a minute.” 

“OK.” Junjin sighed. “But call me if you need me,” he said, after silently calculating the dangers of letting Hyesung get upstairs on his own, and figuring they were very slight. 

“That’s a first,” Eric said, when Junjin had closed the door behind himself. “I don’t think you’ve ever asked to be alone with me before.” He was still lying in the floor, the coffee table blocking Hyesung’s view of him.

“I’ve wanted to be alone with you before,” Hyesung said.

“And you have been,” Eric responded. “You’ve just never asked to be.” 

Hyesung sighed, suddenly feeling much more drunk than he had thought he was. Sorting out his feelings was complicated enough, without Eric being so sarcastic and confusing. He hated the feeling of weakness that always filled him when he was alone with Eric—almost a sense of inferiority—and it was so much worse tonight, after having to sit there and figure out by himself what had been going on between them.

“You didn’t invite me,” he said, finally, deciding to start with something less personal than how he felt, but knowing he was betraying his insecurities by saying it, nevertheless.

“No, I didn’t. But you came.” Eric’s voice was very flat—not angry, or happy—just stating the obvious. Hyesung began to crawl across the floor before he actually decided to, stopping right in front of Eric, and leaning over him.

“I texted you. Four times,” Hyesung said. 

“Yeah,” Eric said, not meeting his gaze.

“So you got them.”

“Yeah.” 

“Well,” Hyesung said, still staring at Eric, waiting for him to explain himself. “Why didn’t you respond?” He was starting to feel like crying again, and he regretted the alcohol he had consumed, and how much of a crybaby he always was when he had been drinking, especially.

“I don’t know,” Eric said, still not looking at him.

“I missed you,” Hyesung whispered, voice barely audible. A tear dripped off of the end of his nose and fell, embarrassingly enough, on Eric’s forehead. Apparently that was enough to get his attention, because he finally looked up, frowning.

“I’m surprised,” he said, wiping the tear off of his forehead, and pulling himself up to a sitting position, moving away from Hyesung in the process. 

“Surprised?” Hyesung asked, rubbing at his face with one hand impatiently and pulling at the hem of his hoodie with the other. “Why are you surprised?” It seemed very stupid of Eric to be surprised that his boyfriend—not that they had ever called each other that—had missed him while he was away. Even friends would miss each other after a trip—Minwoo yelling at Dongwan for most of the night could attest to that—and Eric and Hyesung had slept together. It didn’t seem so surprising that he would miss him after only seeing him once in more than a week.

Eric looked over at Hyesung, staring directly at him for the first time all night. 

“Hyesung, this is embarrassing,” he said, after a while, never breaking eye contact. Hyesung felt the tears falling even faster, and he was starting to lose control of his breathing. Getting hysterical wasn’t going to help anything, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“I’m embarrassing,” he said, in a slightly questioning tone, wiping the tears from his eyes even more furiously, with his sleeve this time.

“No. You’re not embarrassing,” Eric said. “It’s embarrassing that you’re making me say this. I already feel like an idiot.” He grabbed a box of tissues from the coffee table—they had been using them as napkins as they ate earlier—and handed them to Hyesung. 

“Say what? I still don’t know what you’re saying,” Hyesung responded, accepting the tissues, but starting to get very frustrated—with himself for crying, and with the way the conversation was going.

“I’m saying that it’s embarrassing that I’m in love with you. Not that you’re an embarrassing person to be in love with,” Eric said, quickly looking at Hyesung to make sure he wasn’t taking it the wrong way, “but that it’s embarrassing that I’m in love with you and you don’t feel the same way.” Hyesung began to say something, but Eric held up his hand, instead, to stop him.

“Please let me finish, because I don’t know if I can say this if I don’t get it out right now. I know that you like me, Hyesung. I’m not an idiot. I know that if you didn’t like me, none of…this, would have happened. And I know that our relationship is…delicate, because of everything—Shinhwa, and everything else—but I thought, if I just kept showing you how I felt, you’d start to feel the same way. And I thought that I could wait, no matter how long it took. But it’s been so hard these past few weeks. I don’t want to lose this—feeling close to you, and  _being_  close to you—but it’s so hard. I’m not trying to push you away, but our relationship isn’t the only thing that’s delicate right now—”

“Eric,” Hyesung said, interrupting. 

“Hyesung, please.” 

“No, listen to me,” Hyesung said. “I love you, too.” 

“Hyesung.”

“I’m not just saying it to stroke your ego, you dumbass. Do you know how hard it is for me to say that? I’m not good at saying it—and obviously you’re not either—and I’m not good at showing you, obviously, or you would have known, but I do love you. I love you, and I’m grateful to you for loving me. And I hope that you’re going to forgive me when I never say that again for at least another six months, because I’m so nervous I’m going to throw up now,” Hyesung said, pushing his hair into his eyes, and trying to cover his blushing face.

“Not that I don’t…could you…” Eric said, sounding more like a confused child than a half-grown man, “If that’s how you feel then why are you still doing the push and pull?”

“You said it yourself, didn’t you? I’m a dummy. Believe it or not, you're the less awkward party in this relationship.” 


End file.
